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Another difficult day

I went with G this afternoon to the funeral home with glasses for his dad. The girl took them into the rest room place and we followed a few minutes later. It wasn't good. It was as far from good as you can get. Up to this point G was doing quite well.... little moments of grief followed by a right lets get this done attitude, but this was completely different. This was the little boy who had lost his daddy, his hero, and he was completely and utterly devastated.

I don't think the fact that K looked unlike himself helped much. Unfortunately he died with his mouth wide open and for some reason the hospital staff didn't think to close it for him. The undertaker did it instead and to be honest he looked a bit like Heath Ledger's joker around the mouth. I dont know what they did to close it, but it wasn't the best job in the world. And for that reason, and that reason alone, we made the decision that the coffin should be closed and no one else should see him. 

G said a few times this afternoon that he wouldn't be able to get that last image of his dad out of his mind. I don't blame him. His face was all bruised from where he fell, the mouth issue and he really and truly looked like someone else. Its not pleasant seeing your deceased loved ones in a coffin but unfortunately its something we will all inveitably have to deal with. 

This next bit is a bit difficult to write and to be perfectly honest is making me feel like a bit of a freak. I had no problem seeing K in his coffin, had no problem sitting beside him for 3 hours on Saturday morning and really have had no emotional response at all to the fact that he's gone. Does that make me a cold hearted bitch or has it just not sunk in yet?? Is my coping mechanism kicked in and is that why I'm arranging the funeral, cancelling his benefits and taking his name of policies/insurance etc? Will all this catch up with me and I'll end up a quivering wreck at some point down the line?

We told D that we had decided on the closed coffin because of the bruising, which is true. I think she was happy that G made that decision for her, so she could remember K the way he was. We spent the rest of the afternoon looking through their old photos.

There were a load of G as a kid but if I was asked to pick him out of a line up as a 10 year old there would be no way I could do it. He doesn't start to look like himseld til he's a teenager, and even at that he looks odd. I think its cuz he's too skinny -  I've fattened him up nicely, lol. 

Right now I wish G was here, in our house, annoying the crap out of me. I think that soon we will need some serious "us" time. Its been nearly 5 weeks since he went to stay with his mum and who knows when he will be back. Its like we've gone back in time and I don't like it. Is there some sort of philosophical saying somewhere relating to shaky starts to a marriage ending up one of the strongest cuz thats the one I think we need. Married 14 weeks basically and living apart for just under half that time. Not a good sigh, eh?


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 28th, 2012 09:16 am (UTC)
Poor G, hard enough to see a loved one resting, but easier if they look they are sleeping. I wonder if G being near his mum makes him feel he is doing what his dad would have wanted, looking after her. Making sure is as OK as can be expected.

I think they are both very lucky to have you, and by being strong and making sure everythng is being cancelled and organising the funeral you are probably helping a whole lot then if you were to break down as well. Maybe at the funeral it will sink in for you but if doesnt I wouldnt worry, we feel an attachment to our in laws of course we do but no one will criticise or judge you on your emotional response.

There is no doubt your marriage isnt off to the ideal start, but I think the both of you are strong enough to cope and have a strong marriage, perhaps once the greiving process has eased a weekend in Donegal or a weekend locked in the house will do you both the world of good. But soon he will be home annoying you, cos after someone passes life is inconsiderate and does go on. I hope that doesnt mean but I always find that hard after someone passes away, life carries on and eventually we have to carry on with it.
Aug. 28th, 2012 09:30 am (UTC)
I think it was very brave for you both to see him in the coffin. I've never looked at any of my relatives in the coffin, it's just not something I've felt ready for. And I think a closed coffin is a good idea.

It's going to be so hard for G and so it's good that you're holding up well. It is always going to be easier for you than for G to handle this, and you need to be strong to get everyone through this. It was the same with my Gran, that my mum was doing the organising. So don't waste time thinking about things like that. You're doing what you need to do and everyone will appreciate that.

You and G definitely need some time together, but it's going to be hard because his mum will be struggling for a while now. Maybe she could visit some relatives for a while to give you two some time?
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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