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the sound of silence

I've lived on my own for nearly 6 weeks and I sorta like it. 

There is one down side.




I'm really lonely.

Return to normality

Back to work today and I really don't want to go. I want to stay holed up in the house for another while, but I can't. 
I really don't want to see people cuz they're asking questions I can't answer - how's G doing? His in mum doing ok?  No, they aren't but people don't want to hear the truth.

?????

I spent yesterday in front of the tv, in my pjs, knitting. 

When I wasn't doing that, I was sleeping.

I had to force myself to get up this morning.

When I got up, I sat in front of the tv, knitting, in my pj's. 

Managed to drag myself out of the house to go to the Dock to knit but the headache I got as soon as I left the house was just awful. I don't take painkillers but I did today.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. I really do need to clean the house and get something sorted for work on Monday.

But really, I just want to stay in the house and not go out again for a while.

Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!

Woke up this morning in quite a good mood. Did a wee bit round the house, watched a DVD and knitted,

Got to G's and instantly became very pissed off. His mum was cracking up because her insertion was in the paper last night when she wanted it in the paper today. turns out it was in both papers but it sounded like she was accusing me and G of not doing it right. G's shirt was far from white so had to go get him a new one,he was asking when I would get the accounts closed and I came *this close* to snapping. I can't close accounts until all the direct debits were redirected which he would know IF HE BOTHERED TO DO ANYTHING WITH OUR FINANCES!!!!!!!!!!!!  Then D's niece then came over to the house and was just driving me crackers, G was getting on my wick and I just wanted to come home. 

So I did. I went to the chippy, watched 2 episodes of the Sarah Connor chronicles, knitted a bit and now I'm going to sort out the brow caterpillars for tomorrow.

Still pissed though. 

Slightly better

There was a lot of running around today but basically that was it. Arrangements are all sorted for Thursday, insertions are in the paper and I finished a sock. G's aunt has been watching me knit this sock for a few days now, totally fascinated cuz she knits herself, so I purposely didn't cast on sock 2 last night and showed her how to do it this evening. There's a bit of confusion regarding which needle to use but she caught on quick enough, so a ball of sock yarn and a 100cm cirrcular needle is going to her tomorow.

Another difficult day

I went with G this afternoon to the funeral home with glasses for his dad. The girl took them into the rest room place and we followed a few minutes later. It wasn't good. It was as far from good as you can get. Up to this point G was doing quite well.... little moments of grief followed by a right lets get this done attitude, but this was completely different. This was the little boy who had lost his daddy, his hero, and he was completely and utterly devastated.
this might be a bit hard to readCollapse )
We told D that we had decided on the closed coffin because of the bruising, which is true. I think she was happy that G made that decision for her, so she could remember K the way he was. We spent the rest of the afternoon looking through their old photos.

There were a load of G as a kid but if I was asked to pick him out of a line up as a 10 year old there would be no way I could do it. He doesn't start to look like himseld til he's a teenager, and even at that he looks odd. I think its cuz he's too skinny -  I've fattened him up nicely, lol. 

Right now I wish G was here, in our house, annoying the crap out of me. I think that soon we will need some serious "us" time. Its been nearly 5 weeks since he went to stay with his mum and who knows when he will be back. Its like we've gone back in time and I don't like it. Is there some sort of philosophical saying somewhere relating to shaky starts to a marriage ending up one of the strongest cuz thats the one I think we need. Married 14 weeks basically and living apart for just under half that time. Not a good sigh, eh?

Progress...

Some progress has been made for the funeral -  most likely thursday morning but this can't be confirmed until the office opens on tuesday. we're getting there though, bit too slowly for D's liking I think but what can I do.

I've been running around for a month now and am completely shattered. The house is filthy, so filthy that on Wednesday night I remembered that there was bread in the bread bin and it was completely and utterly blue. Really disgusting but thats just the way the house is at the minute. I'm hoping to give it a quick going over tomorrow before heading back over to G in the early afternoon. Really I would rather be sitting knitting or something but its not to be and the running around will never end now, this is just the continuation. 

I don't think its dawned on G yet that if he been able to drive that he would have been there when his dad died. He was saying earlier that he had rung his aunt (his dad's sister) to come pick them up cuz they were close by. I am 15 miles from the hospital and got there 5 minutes after them (and I stopped for petrol). It took them 30 minutes to get 3 miles.  D has been saying all day that she wishes she was there.... if G had been able to drive I'm  sure she would have. Its going to crush him when he realises.

Its amazing how quickly voyeurism catches on. The whole LJ resurrection thing was concocted on Friday night and after a morning of hassling everyone has posted... and I'm sure I'm not the only on to refresh the pages more than once today.  I read back a few posted and to be honest they're terrible!! A listing of what was done each day. One word sums them up -  juvenille. I would like to think that the past few years have been a bit of a growing up time for me, but I doubt it. Some habits remain unbreakable ( like the yearning to order new yarn, thanks to the deramores ad all over the place but I already resisted once this week)

I vow to try not to whinge, complain about G (although sometimes it probabaly can't be helped) and not to write an accomplished to do list.

And so it begins

Its been over 3.5 years since I last graced the pages of LJ. So much has happened. Some things good. Some things bad. But I just struggle on, buy yarn and hope for the best. 

Right now I'm trying to arrange the funeral for my FIL, and while G is able to answer some questions and made some decisions, its really things that MIL should be doing, but she's only managed to stop crying late last night. I hope that today is a bit better for her and she can have some input for her husbands send off.
Sightly annoyed at the minute. It was someone I know's birthday last week, and although we're not on speaking terms, I sent her a card. I sent it, not to open the lines of communication etc, but to wish her  happy birthday.

I'm still waiting on acknowledgement that it arrived. Now another friend sent the same person a happy new year card ( bit late... end of Jan time) and SHE got a response... so why didn't I get one???

Just goes to show that niceness never wins and I shouldn't have bothered send it... wasted my time and money on that one.

Well, its been a slightly eventful week if I’m honest. Last Sunday, I was walking Tintin and I noticed a scab thing on his nose (he had a leaf stuck to his tongue and was having issues removing it, so that’s when I noticed it) I ask at home if anyone remembered him cutting his nose and no one did. On Monday I left work early and took him to the vet where he ended up with eye drops (over productive tear ducts lead to eye infection) antibiotics for the nose and tear cleaner stuff.

Wednesday was SnB, and a teaching exercise – Rebecca was learning to pick up stitches for her cardigan border, lol. I was splashing out with a Belgian chocolate cheesecake with my tea (those things are expensive but soooo nice) and I was knitting my dad’s socks (I think, too much on the go at the minute) Jolene arrived and gave me a bunch of lovely red tulips because of the whole Donegal thing – they are currently on my windowsill and are all lovely! Tulips are one of my favourite flowers (sunflowers and big daisies are the others) so it was a big surprise to get them. She also gave me my Christmas present – a kit to learn to knit gloves! Gloves are scary cuz of the fingers, lol.

Thursday was an interesting day. I took Siobhan to my old school’s open day. She’s going to be doing this new test thing in November and spends all her time watching tv (which is ok) but when you’re having issues reading, you really should practice. So in order to kinda drive the hint home, I took her to the open night to let her see where she could go if she practices her reading – she loved it! We went to look at the Duke of Ed display and found photos of me from 1996 when we were on our practice day… those photos were so funny but the funniest bit was the student who brought us over to them called his friend over to see that “this girl’s in these pictures and they’re so old!” which was just hilarious, lol.  She was particularly impressed with the CSI experiments in the chemistry labs and the burning paper in physics, the canoes in the swimming pool and the fact that there was a swimming pool on school grounds!

Friday was, all in all, a very scary day indeed! Nicky was undoing my dad’s jumper, but after 3 hours only one row was done (cuz it was not ripping out at all) so we took the scissors to it and cut the ribbed bit off!! I then sat the rest of the weekend and did 3 inches of 1x1 rib, had him try it on last night and he wants it longer still. It’s going to take a while until the thing is finished again and it’ll use an extra 2 balls too.

Saturday was a knit ‘n’ Dvd day – Superhero Edition, lol. Guess what I watched then, lol? It was also the car’s MOT day and I had my dad bring it (cuz I was afraid it would fail, lol) but my fear was unnecessary – it passed! It does however need a few new tyres (front driver has a nail in it and therefore slow puncture, and front passenger has low treads) But they can wait til I get paid.

Sunday was Knit ‘n’ Harry Potter day with Siobhan. I had a scout planning meeting to go to in the evening, but it was cancelled (again) at the last minute. George is hopeless. So Martin and I are having a planning meeting tomorrow night in his house instead.  I’ve managed to get the leather for the leather crafting badge so at least that’s something with a week or two sorted.

Right now, I’m really tired. I starting rereading Twilight last Monday night and had it finished by Wednesday at about 10.30. Instead of going to sleep like a normal person, I started New Moon and finished it at 2am on Sunday morning. I’m really not used to these late nights and have been like a zombie in work all week… and it’s most likely going to continue since the Eclipse and Breaking Dawn are on their way to me now, lol. I’m going to try and be good with these two, and not stay up to all silly hours of the morning reading them, lol.

I watched “Enemy at the Gates” last night, the last SGA episode. I think it would have been MUCH better if it had been spread over 2 episodes and had things explained more thoroughly i.e wormhole hyperdrive thingy. Too much happened too quickly for my liking. But its all over now, what can I watch now on a Friday?!?

Also watched “Family Remain”, the new Supernatural episode. Loads of people were saying how creepy it was, I didn’t feel that at all, I was a bit bored. Maybe I need to watch it on the big tv and not be seaming the baby cardigan at the same time, lol. But it was nice to see Dean, Sam and the Impala again



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